The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

The Minority Report (2020 Remake)

Act I, Scene 8: We find our heroine, Amy Barrett, before a tribunal of the D.C. PreCrime Division. Having been arrested earlier that day, she stands now for trial with her Defense Counsel by her side. Neither of them is yet aware of the reason for her arrest. The scene is dimly lit and the figures of the tribunal are shrouded in mystery as our heroine looks on valiantly but perplexedly. They are all wearing masks.

Sen. Booker: “Judge Barrett, why did commit in your heart to killing Tiny Tim?”

The Defense Counsel erupts out of his chair.

Defense Counsel: “What!?!?! Your Honor, this is patently absurd. My client has done no such thing nor will she!”

Sen. Booker: “Oh, but she will…we know she will. The precogs tell a different story. Bailiffs! Bring in Richard and Dianne!”

At this point, Chris Coons and Sheldon Whitehouse emerge from a shadowy side door wheeling out two elderly individuals bound together in borg-like cognitive unity. Coons and Whitehouse prop the two individuals up on a testimony stand before shrinking back into the darkness.

Sen. Booker: “Dianne…Richard. Tell us what you see.”

Dianne: (Muffled) “Gfjdslsdkenfkdnseoufkd. Nmffmggfcjsldwuahdf.”

Sen. Booker: “Bailiff, please remove Dianne’s mask.”

Coons re-emerges from the shadows to remove Dianne’s mask. Dianne speaks in ghostly, haunting voice. Her eyes are distant.

Dianne: “I saw her…she killed him.”

Sen. Booker: “And how will Judge Barrett do this, Dianne?”

Defense Counsel: “Your Honor…”

The Judge: “Silence, the precog will continue her testimony.”

Sen. Booker: “You were saying, Dianne? About Judge Barrett’s methods?”

Dianne: “They tried to stop her, Stephen and Elena and Sonia…but they were too late…and too little.”

Sen. Booker: “What, Dianne, what were they too late to stop?”

Dianne: “The horror…oh, the horror…”

Dianne’s eyes are white with terror. Unable to continue, Richard speaks for her. His voice sounds like a dialect of parseltongue.

Richard: “Obamacare!!!…”

An eerie silence engulfs the courtroom. Several seconds pass before talk resumes.

Sen. Booker: “She…how…what about Obamacare?”

Richard: “Sheeeee…sheeeee…repealed it!!!!!”

Defense Counsel: “Objection, your…”

The Judge: “Hold your tongue, Counsel! Richard, please continue.”

Richard: “Sheeeeeee hatesss the children. She wantssss them allll…dead!”

Dianne: (Swiftly) “Catholic temptress!!!!”

Richard: “Timmy and Tommy and Billy. Dead…dead…dead…”

Our heroine remains perplexed.

Sen. Harris: “Richard, this is Kamala speaking. What else did Judge Barrett do?”

Richard: “Poisoned the wellsss, sheee did. A filth so vile…sneaking…hateful…”

Dianne: (Swiftly) “Dogma!!!

Richard: (Swiftly then slowly) “Yesss, dogma.”

Sen. Harris: “And what would you tell the court will cause her to do this?”

The Defense Counsel is in a visible state of exasperation.

Defense Counsel (stammering): “Your Honor! For the love of…I…good heavens, I beg of you, reason with….”

The Judge storms out of his seat and into the light of day, revealing himself to be a ghastly reincarnation of Ted Kennedy. The camera follows The Judge’s sinister look as the Defense Counsel blanches.

The Judge: “Silence, I say, SILENCE!!! Not in all my days have I heard such insolence from a member in this court. A thousand curses and poxes be upon your head should you disrupt these proceedings again! Bailiff, you will escort the Defense Counsel from this room should he speak again for any reason.”

The Defense Counsel slumps into his seat, bewildered. Our heroine sits quietly, possessed with supernatural patience.

Sen. Harris: “Richard, what causes Judge Barrett to do this?”

Richard: “Heee did…”

Sen. Harris: “The Orange Man?”

Richard: (Chanting) “Orange Man bad….Orange man bad…”

Dianne: (Swiftly) “Very nasty…”

Richard: “Orange Man bad…Orange…”

The Judge: “That will be all. Thank you Richard…Dianne. Bailiffs!”

Coons and Whitehouse slither back into picture and reposition Dianne’s mask before wheeling both away. They fade into the darkness as Richard continues to chant. Our heroine remains stoic.

Act I, Scene 9: We find ourselves in an alley outside the courthouse. Our heroine is in focus, walking, but a hazy outline of a figure follows behind her. We hear the figure sniff loudly several times...