The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

Scientists from around the world are descending upon Washington to witness what many are calling one of the great scientific achievements of our day, the reviving of a long-deceased animal that had passed out of public knowledge and descended into complete and utter obscurity. Yes, I’m talking of nothing else than Robert Mueller’s Russia probe, which blasted back into the headlines just in time for most people to scratch their heads and wonder why that name sounded so familiar. The Capitol Hill proceedings started slowly as Rep. Jerry Nadler stood in front of the media members and testimonial observers droning, “Mueller?….Mueller?….Mueller?” for a solid 30 minutes before Mr. Mueller was finally carted into the room against his will screaming, “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” The recalcitrant former director of the FBI had to be gently coaxed out of his cage with a trail of cashews and almonds leading up to the testifier’s table before the event could begin.

Rep. Nadler soon began the proceedings by waiving a red bull fighter’s flag in front of Mr. Mueller and yelling, “Toro! Toro! Toro!” but Mr. Mueller refused to budge, at which point Rep. Jim Jordan took over for the Republicans by flashing a shiny, new nickel to Mr. Mueller but to similarly no avail. Mr. Mueller was asked several times to either call the President out for obstruction or clear him of any wrongdoing, but Mr. Mueller said he really just wanted Congress to free him from the time-locked handcuffs on his desk and take off the ankle bracelet they kept using to track him down. Refusing, Rep. Nadler turned back to the question of obstruction, asking Mr. Mueller, “Based on your report, you did not, in no way, not, not clear the President, so would you say that he did or did not in some way not definitely violate the inviolable discretionary provisions of his office, most assuredly?” Mr. Mueller responded that he hadn’t really thought of it that way before and proceeded to crawl under the table for an hour-long nap.

Several other attempts – including promises of candy and ice cream and one member shouting, “Hey Mueller! Got your nose! You gotta testify to get it back!” – were attempted to influence Mr. Mueller one way or another, but all of them eventually failed. The time came for wrapping up the whole shebang, at which point Mr. Mueller was asked once more what he thought on the whole question of impeachment, to which he replied, “I don’t want to say the President should be impeached. I don’t want to say the President shouldn’t be impeached. I don’t really want to say anything at all. I just want to go outside on this nice, sunny, DC day and enjoy the Potomac pigeons before I go home to see what Ann has cooked for dinner tonight. My gosh, can that woman make a mean pot pie. Now unshackle me from this desk, you floor-flushing, two-timin’ whippersnappers, or I’ll bite my arms off and bleed all over the place right here in front of you.” With neither Republicans nor Democrats having gained an edge, a mutual agreement was reached to release Mr. Mueller, who instantly broke into a delirious skip down the hall while giving the freedom yell from Braveheart.

In all, the WSJ had the most accurate reporting of the event in a breaking news update which stated, “Mueller’s hearings left Democrats with little ammunition for an impeachment inquiry and denied the GOP an admission of missteps in his probe.” In short, no one cared, nothing was learned, and everyone can go back to whatever more productive activities they were doing before, such as trying to light their own flatulence with a match or getting a slinky to fall fluidly down a long flight of stairs. And, we can all rest easy knowing that Congress proved itself to be even more useless today than they normally are, which really says a lot…or a little…or who cares anymore?