The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

The Mueller report landed with a splash over the weekend causing widespread frenzy in the hallowed halls of MSNBC and general relief for the rest of the country. Rep. Adam Schiff, who delivered prepared remarks to the janitor inside the lobby of NBC as he peered through the locked glass doors, stated unequivocally, “Mueller, Schmueller, who needs him? Look at all the evidence I’ve gathered for the collusion narrative. I have it right here, look at it. LOOK AT IT!” The janitor politely informed Mr. Schiff that he was pointing to an advertisement for The Nutcracker, but the representative seemed unfazed. John Brennan, the now disgraced former director of the CIA who had accused the President of outright treason, also had some explaining to do. After a thirty minute timeout in the corner with a dunce hat on his head, Mr. Brennan addressed reporters, “Maybe, perhaps, in the world where it’s possible that on the off-chance, someone, somewhere, sometime, in someway may have inadvertently, kinda, sorta, maybe had the distinctly rare and off-handedly but not necessarily, I’m not sure, it really depends, who could know for certain, occasionally but it’s not guaranteed, could have in a theoretical way done something to possibly, hypothetically given an unlikely circumstance privy to, but not limited in anyway to that and so with great hesitation and remembrance on your part of overlooking my past comments is possible that……I may have had bad information.” Mr. Brennan was then immediately remanded back to his corner and dunce cap, this time for an indefinite timeout.

James Comey, who leaked classified memos to help prompt the investigation, also chimed in with a tweet showing himself gazing up at the redwood trees, which read, “So many questions,” to which Sen. Lindsey Graham replied, “Couldn’t agree more, we’ll see you soon.” Actually, that’s not even satire; that last part really happened. Someone give Graham a cookie. Reporters also contacted President Trump for comment, who simply stuck his tongue out and replied, “Nah, nah, nah, nah. You can’t catch me,” at which point several reporters rushed the White House lawn in an attempt to actually catch the President but ultimately failed after repeatedly tripping over their own long noses.

In other news, some Democrats have been shopping around for new planks for the party platform, the old platform being far too sturdy and making excessively common sense. One plank, a proposition to pack the Supreme Court, has gained particular attention in recent days. Leah Greenberg, co-director of Indivisible said, “Republicans have rigged the courts and we need to make them fair and credible again. And, by ‘fair and credible,’ I of course mean sticking it to those racist stooges and backwards-facing Neanderthals for blocking our agenda to upend the country by its roots. By golly, we’ll squash those miserable toad pipes if it’s the last thing I do on this forsaken, sun-burnt rock, so help me God.” The chief counsel for Demand Justice, Chris Kang, added his penny’s worth by accusing Republicans of packing the courts with conservative justices, “I mean, like, how irresponsible is it for Republicans to nominate and confirm justices that I don’t like through the normal congressional proceedings? Totally not cool and super illegit, man. Democrats would never try packing the courts…except for the fact that this is literally the very thing we’re proposing right now, but that’s like something else and totally different. I mean can’t you just shut up and let me rule your life?”

Finally, Democrats virtually doomed the planet to utter destruction the other day by voting ‘present’ on Alexandria Occasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal, leading to its 0-57 failure in the Senate and a rare smile from Senate majority leader and resident turtle, Mitch McConnell. Some people may consider the legislation a pipe dream born out of wedlock from the union of Karl Marx and the inmates from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but I for one am dreadfully, oh may I say, dreadfully concerned about the ramifications of this vote. How now will we ever retrofit every house in the United States with solar panels or run a high-speed railway from Hawaii to the United States or breed flatulence-free bovine or import magic fairies that will repair the ozone with pixie dust and bird guano or tell the voices that haunt my every waking moment to pipe down for once will ya? What else will we do with that $93 trillion? Leave it to the people? Surely you must be joking. And, have you ever noticed AOC’s face when she speaks of this gem? Notice the seriousness, the poise, the laser-like focus, the sorta creepy way she seems to be sizing you up for lunch. She doesn’t have time for things like economics or innovation or common logic; she’s woke, and that makes it all okay. The next time you see her on TV, ask yourself: “Am I gazing into eyes of narcissistic, ignorant brat with a hamster-less wheel eternally spinning in her mind, or is this the future of our country?”