The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

Media outlets, airport travelers, and shrubberies everywhere are waiting with bated breath as the Mueller investigation prepares to drop after a roughly two year incubation period inside the egg Hillary Clinton laid in 2016.  Adam Schiff, the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee and resident of a pup tent just outside CNN headquarters delivered a two-hour press conference to a raptured audience of dust bunnies inside Don Lemon’s closet, during which he said, “I can’t give you the details right now, but I have it on good authority that this will literally be the biggest moment of the year and is guaranteed to give us license to get the President and his little dog too into the alligator swamp we’ve readied for him over at Spartacus’s house.”  After being reminded the President did not have a dog and then being questioned as to why he had never produced any evidence for the myriad of similar claims he had made over the past two years and why the Senate Intelligence Committee had found no evidence of collusion, Mr. Schiff responded by saying, “I hold in my hand an envelope containing the names of suspected Russian agents and no-do-gooders around the country.” When told that he essentially just quoted Joseph McCarthy, a pale Mr. Schiff replied, “Ahhh!! Look!! A dancing bear with a tutu and a hoola-hoop!” before throwing a tarp over his head and darting down the hall to Chris Cuomo’s office.  Mr. Schiff emerged several minutes later to give an equally long press conference about President’s Trump’s alleged campaign finance violations, but the dust bunnies had since been vacuumed up, forcing Mr. Schiff to deliver his monologue to a mop and bucket just inside the men’s water closet.

On Monday, Senate Democrats took a brief break from their usual brand of knuckleheadery and leftward bound cliff jumping to offer their support for blatant infanticide, rejecting a motion from Senate Republicans that would have protected the lives of babies surviving botched abortions.  One Democratic staffer, Wilhelm von Blackheart told reporters that Democrats had stood resolute in their campaign to destroy every last vestige of morality left in the US and that the day’s proceedings were met with thunderous applause from the lower pits of hell. During a break in their weekly offering to the Lovecraftian octo-dragon Cthulhu, Senate Democrat Patty Murray explained the Democratic opposition, stating, “This measure would have forced women to accept care that may directly conflict with their wishes at a deeply personal level, including the wish to snuff out the infantile life of an innocent newborn like it was nothing more than a common housefly.  We must never forget the evils of President Donald Trump and Senate Republicans in trying to place an immeasurable value and dignity on the most vulnerable members of our society and instead look to the future of fire and brimstone we Democrats have been working so hard to bring about.  Now where’s that pig I’ve been calling for? Azathoth isn’t going to keep waiting for his dinner forever.” Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer was asked why Democrats had become so comfortable with infanticide in recent months, but the minority leader was unavailable for comment, having recently turned into a large centipede and crawled under the speaker’s podium to make vague, hissing noises at Ben Sasse.

The Oscars also rolled around last Sunday to the amusement of no one as it prepared itself for its yearly drubbing by the center seven-eighths of the American population. The self-congratulatory bout of self-congratulations was haunted by the ghosts of Steve Martin and Bob Hope and hosted by none other than no one at all, another point of self-congratulations to the wokey-wokeness waking wonderfully within woke circles of self-congratulatory wokeness and vainglorious pomposity…or something like that. Notable moments ensued including a literal gem of an occasion as social justice warrior and savior of the poor Lady Gaga adorned a $30 million diamond hand-crafted from the tears of a thousand coal miners. Spike Lee also snagged a moment in the limelight to deliver an impassioned speech expressing gratitude for those who had gone before him before throwing the rest of the speech in the trash and further exacerbating American tensions along with the rest of the glittering motley crew that is Hollywood. I’d tell you more about the films, but I can’t for the life of me recall what was nominated…or why…or how….you know baseball season is coming up…and so is March Madness…wait what were we talking about? Ah nevermind.

Finally, Michael Cohen made his starting debut for the New York Chain Gangers as he pitched a doozy of a testimony to the House which many experts say has him in the front-running for best actor in a leading role at the 2020 Oscars. The performance drew the attention of President Trump, who took time off from his summit with Jabba the Hutt to call Cohen a “fluffy-haired, backstabbing stooge who has a very small IQ and smells like an unwashed basket of Dick Durbin’s laundry.” Mr. Cohen, in turn, called the President, “an egotistical, racist carrot with a penchant for chicanery and legerdemain, oh and his hair is dumb too.” “No, your hair is dumb,” was the swift reply from President Trump as he tweaked Mr. Cohen on the nose, causing the pair to descend onto the floor in a good, old-fashioned playground brawl. Vice President Mike Pence was eventually brought in to break up the fight and had to sit the two down to talk things out.

“Now, Mr. President, do you really think Mr. Cohen’s hair is dumb?” asked the Vice President.

“No, I guess not,” replied the President, putting his hands in his pockets and kicking a large pebble.

“And Mr. Cohen, do we call the President a carrot?”

“Nuh-uh….I just got so piping mad, mister, honest that’s all,” replied Mr. Cohen.

“Ok, kiddos, say you’re sorry and go back to being friends, all right?”

“Sorry, Don.” “Sorry, Mike.”

Reports later emerged that the pair had gone back to fighting as soon as the Vice President left, Mr. Cohen having called the President a “gold-leaf Cheeto,” but who the heck cares anymore?