The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

Bernie Sanders or his corpse – we’re not really sure which is campaigning at this point – has had a heck of a time over the past few weeks. Coming off a close second place finish in Iowa, the avowed democratic socialist and lover of Soviet honeymooning now finds himself perched atop the Democratic field after a strong performance in New Hampshire. Even still, some are doubting whether Sanders can not only carry his momentum into the convention but also beat Donald Trump in the process. Chuck Todd, for instance, spoke on how he really didn’t believe how people could assume that Bernie was the front runner, this of course fresh off reports that some people are voting for Bernie Sanders just to spite the news outlets that oppose him…which I guess kind of proves the point. At any rate, Bernie Sanders immediately took to the airways to clear the confusion, “A lot of people, you know, are just not going to like me. The pharmaceutical companies don’t like me. Big business doesn’t like me. The fossil fuel industry doesn’t like me. My colleagues don’t like me. The newspaper boy doesn’t like me. The feral dogs in my neighborhood don’t like me. Heck, I really don’t even like me, and yet somehow I’m still running away with this thing. What a great country we live in that I’m about to destroy.”

Michael Bloomberg, meanwhile, continues to be one of the more interesting candidates in the race if for no other reason than for the excitement of seeing whether throwing money at the American people like they’re a rabble of feudal serfs really can win someone the election. Bloomberg, a Democrat who used to be a Republican and a man who said he’d never go on an apology tour before he did and—you get the point—seems to believe that if you can’t beat them, you should just buy them out, which will be exceptionally entertaining to watch in the general election should he win the nomination. Personally I’m not opposed to watching Trump and Bloomberg throwing wads of $100 bills at each other until Bloomberg knocks Trump’s hair out of place, or Trump knocks down Bloomberg’s pyramid of sanctimonious public policy proposals, or maybe they both just land direct hits on each others’ big, fat mouths. Either way, I’ll certainly enjoy watching Bloomberg and Trump go toe-to-toe with each other, because at 5’4″, Bloomberg certainly isn’t going head-to-head with Trump.

Joe Biden has also been making the national headlines, albeit for entirely different reasons. The former Vice President has suffered from a tremendous fall from grace in the Democratic party after two unfortunate performances in the Iowa and New Hampshire elections, though his memorable moment came recently when he called a questioner a “lyin’ dog-faced pony solider” after the questioner asked about his poor performances. It has to get one thinking, what other memorable one-liners, shot fresh from the hip, could we expect to hear from the former VP? Allow me to offer some suggestions:

• You’re a double-crossing, rodent-spawning hamster cadet.
• You double-dealing, floor-flushing, perfidious puffer-fish.
• Listen here, you two-timing, slack-jawed jellyfish gunner.
• Hey, you mendacious, leopard-spotted paratrooper.
• What say you, ya no-good, snake-licking spider monkey?
• Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.
• What about that, you mammalian temptress?
• Do your worst, you equivocating equine enlistee.
• Away with thee, thou fowl fighter flushed full with falsehood!
• What prevarications doth adorn thine lips, thou beastly conscript?
• How now, brown cow?

We’ll see if he takes any of the hints.