The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

Democrats are scrambling today to resolve a disastrous fallout from the Iowa caucuses last night, as opposed to the ongoing disaster that has been the entire DNC primary. Initial reports tells us that both the primary app and backup telephonic systems designed to report the results had all failed, though the exact reason as to their failure has yet to be announced. One party official, speaking in a thick Russian accent, emerged from an empty pile of vodka bottles to announce: “Several inconsistencies were found among the various vote totals. For example, the primary vote-getter has not thus far actually been one of the leading candidates but a new write-in named, ‘Good lord, just make it all stop so I can go back to farming wheat and living my life without constant media barrages and campaign overtures…oh and get off my lawn you two-timin’, double-chinned soul-suckers.’ We also found the photo tallies had been corrupted after some joker scanned 18,000 copies of his tuckus on Iowa’s only photocopier and swapped them in for the actual vote tallies, though it’s entirely possible that this may just be how voters see our party right now.”

In any case, the confusion has left Iowa voters dazed and swarming with questions, such as, “Wait, Iowa had a vote last night?” “Who were the candidates again?” Or the ever popular, “How did you and that camera crew get into my house?” Candidate reactions were mixed with some taking the news with aplomb, and some exploding like a bomb. Joe Biden, speaking in Iowa, stated, “Good people of Kansas, we know that Missouri is better than this, and by golly we’re not just going to stand by as we watch the democratic process falter here in Florida. I call on all Ohioans to march down to the state capital there in Ann Arbor and get the facts straight on exactly where I am, what time it is, and, most importantly, who I am. Do that, and we may yet prove to the rest of Indonesia what it means to live and thrive in North Dakota. Auf wiedersehen and добрый день.”

While the race results have yet to be announced, early reports suggest that Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders performed very well in Iowa, though it’s unclear which socialist actually carried the day. Mr. Buttigieg announced victory late in the night to thralling crowds, but the announcement was met with firm dissent from Mr. Sanders who walked over to the Buttigieg camp and promptly bopped Mr. Buttigieg on the nose with his cane. Mr. Buttigieg responded in kind by boxing Mr. Sanders on the ears, leading to some temporary hearing loss, though we think Mr. Sanders will hardly notice since he’s been tuning out all other voices but his own for nigh on 80 years now. Mike Bloomberg, meanwhile, would have liked to have been in the Iowa caucuses but was unable to attend after twisting his ankle by tripping over a tall pile of $100 bills. In his stead, people simply turned out en masse at a rally for Donald Trump, who is about to have a jolly old time on Twitter over the next few days.