As the election has finally arrived, there will almost certainly be an increase in unrest on our nation’s streets, no matter who wins. To report on the upcoming headlines in a more chipper and upbeat way, we here at the Diatribe will strive to deliver messages of calm and serenity amid a sea of pandemonium. Recognizing the angst that can be caused by watching a reporter get knocked unconscious by a mostly peaceful brick at a mostly peaceful protest or hearing conflicting reports of exactly how the world as we know it is collapsing, we offer to you a retooling of language so as to mitigate the droll and drear of tomorrow’s headlines today. In this spirit, we are renaming many tools in the employ of our nation’s police to serve the turn of this effort. Whenever you come across a word or phrase in the left column, mentally replace it with its substitution in the right column:

• Flashbang Grenade -> Party Popper
• Tear Gas Grenade -> Onion
• Pepper Spray -> Hot Sauce
• Riot Shield -> Social Distancing Device
• Police Baton -> Magic Wand
• Rioters and Looters -> Partygoers
• Handcuffs -> Friendship Bracelets
• Paddywagon -> Party Bus
• Arrest -> Party Foul
• Unrest -> Festivities
• Clash -> Mingle

With this list in mind, please consider the following pre-translated lead story which our Time Travel Division correspondent Sergei Efremovich plucked from the headlines of the Wall Street Journal, dateline Nov. 5, 2020:

In the days and weeks leading up to this year’s presidential election, police precincts across the nation stocked up on supplies in anticipation of possible mass festivities and mostly peaceful protests. For example, the Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police purchased $100,000 of onions to deal with possible festivities in the nation’s capital. Late Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning, with the election results still unclear, partygoers descended on the D.C. downtown in their tens of thousands, mingling with police standing behind social distancing devices and holding magic wands. Throughout the night, police made extensive use of party poppers and hot sauce to temper the festivities. Several party fouls were recorded, upon which partygoers were given friendship bracelets and sent to the party bus, where they spent the remainder of the night. More festivities and mostly peaceful protests are expected in the days to come.