The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

October 7, 2020

Controversy enveloped the White House in recent days as a recently discharged and steroid-laden President Trump told the American people not to let COVID dominate their lives with fear. MSNBC news anchor Snakely Slitherington excoriated the President for his remarks calling it a “wildly thoughtless comment to everyone anywhere at anytime.” Mr. Slitherington expressed his dismay later on Jo the Schmo’s Show later that day, stating, “I am shocked, SHOCKED, to hear the President try to offer a message of courage to the American public. Where in this nation would we be without a crippling sense of dread controlling our every waking thought and desire? I call upon the President to retract this message of hope immediately and offer something more gritty and downtrodden, as is befitting this season of doom.” Truly folks, it is amazing to see such a cavalier mood from the President; how else are we to measuredly qualify a message such as that other than to disregard it entirely and question the President’s very being once again? Perhaps we have more to learn from Mr. Slitherington if we can ever find the sewer vent wherein he resides.

March 5, 1933

A firestorm of disrepute has consumed the White House today as recently inaugurated President Franklin D. Roosevelt battles the fallout from proffering a careless and insensitive take on the considerable depression gripping our nation, stating, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” William Doublethink of NBC broke the initial story with an impassioned denunciation of the President’s inexperienced and youthful ignorance of current affairs, drawing particular attention to the psychological damage undeniably done to the impoverished citizens of the USA. Mr. Doublethink remarked, “It really speaks to unyielding elitism of Mr. Roosevelt to so flagrantly ignore the ever present reality of poverty in our nation with such garish showings of optimism. Truly a dark day in our nation’s history.” Yes, at some point, we must stop and ponder the ignominy bound to follow the President for this fault, a miscue sure to redound throughout the ages.

Fall 1939

An imbroglio is brewing in Britain today as the British government faces calls to answer for what experts are calling an “era defining gaffe.” The imbroglio in question revolves around a recent motivational poster admonishing citizens to “Keep Calm and Carry On.” Alfred E. Paperskin of The Manchester Guardian expressed his deep and abounding horror at the poster, a gawdy, bloody red-soaked imposition dripping with intrusive white letters and reeking of an out-of-touch take on reality. Mr. Paperskin opined, “Really with Nazis on the doorstep, Soviets to the East, and a rising sun in the Pacific, it seems unnecessarily boorish of the government to advise calm and cool heads in a time of such calamity. What do they expect us to do, stand with resolution and moral fortitude in the face of pure evil? Hardly not, I dare say.” Of course, Mr. Paperskin raises a fair point about the imposing figure posed by the forces of evil released upon this earth, forces which surely do not merit the unrealistic level-headedness pushed by the government.

A.D. 33

Scandal has rocked the Judaean region of the High Imperium as local Jewish rabbi Jesus Christ made headlines while instructing disciples to “Fear not, for I have overcome the world.” Local synagogue leaders were seen rending their clothes at the sentiment as the Son of Man offered a message of life, hope, and victory over death and sin. CNN contributor Judas Iscariot told anchorman Simon Bar-Airhead, “Even as a member of the Messiah’s inner circle, I find it deeply troubling to try reconciling the Lord’s comments with the present troubles and vices of this world, not to mention the ever-present heavy hand of the Romans weighing down upon us. I would think it wise if the Once and Future King more cautiously weighed his words before so flippantly telling people not to fear, as if such a thing is even possible.” King Jesus could be reached for comment, but no one was willing to listen to what he said anyway.