32 And when the Conservatives saw that Buckley delayed to come down from the mountain, the people gathered themselves together to Schlapp and said to him, “Up, make us leader who shall go before us. As for this Buckley, the man who brought us up out of the land of inconsolable intellectual irrelevance, we do not know what has become of him.” ² So Schlapp said to them, “Take off the rings of gold and your principles and your virtues and all manner of progress we have made and bring them to me.” ³ So all the people took off these things that were in their ears and their brains and brought them to Schlapp. ⁴ And he received these things from their hand and fashioned it with a graving tool and made a golden Trump. And he said, “This is your leader, O Conservatives, who brought you up out of the intellectual wasteland!” ⁵ When Schlapp saw this, he built an altar before it. And Schlapp made a proclamation and said, “Tomorrow shall be a feast to the Don-Don!” ⁶ And they rose up early the next day and offered speeches and ovations and much shillish groveling. And the people sat down to eat and drink and rose up to God knows what next.

⁷ And Edmund Burke said to William Buckley, “Go down, for your people, whom you brought up out of the intellectual wasteland, have corrupted themselves. ⁸ They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I wrote of. They have made for themselves a golden Trump and have worshiped it and paid far too much homage to it and said, ‘This your leader, O Conservatives, who brought you up out of the intellectual wasteland!’” ⁹ And Burke said to Buckley, “I have seen this people, and behold, it is a confused and grasping people. ¹⁰ Now therefore let me alone, that I may drive them from the broad tent of Conservatism and make a new movement out of you.”

¹¹ But Buckley implored Burke, his intellectual heir and said, “O albescent Burke, why does your phlogistonic cacoethes seek the vaticination of demagoguery against your people, whom you have brought out of the intellectual wasteland with steady writing and a cool wit and logic? ¹² Why should the schismatic antithesis say, ‘With a malicious velleity did he bring them out, to cast them aside and leave them to woes of demagoguery’? Turn from your williwaw and relent from this Brobdingnagian disaster against your people. ¹³ Remember Antonin Scalia, Richard Weaver, and Russell Kirk, your epigones, to whom you said, ‘On these principles we stand, and no man shall be the end-all and be-all of the Conservative movement. For Conservatism is not rooted in exiguous man but in the timeless principles and virtues we cherish.’” ¹⁴ And Burke relented from the disaster that he had spoken of bringing on the Conservatives.

¹⁵ Then Buckley turned and went down from the mountain with Ideas Have Consequences and The Conservative Mind, tablets that were written on both sides; on the front and on the back they were written. ¹⁶ The tablets were the work of Richard Weaver and Russell Kirk, and the writing was the writing of Weaver and Kirk, engraved on the tablets. ¹⁷ When Ben Shapiro heard the noise of the people as they shouted, he said to Buckley, “It’s really kind of ridiculous, honestly, I mean like, two seconds they couldn’t wait, and they just…threw the whole thing in the waste bin, and they just couldn’t be crazy for like one minute.” ¹⁸ But Buckley said, “It is not the caterwaul for victory, or the tocsin of defeat, but the sound of latitudinarianism that I hear.” ¹⁹ And as soon as he came near the camp and saw the golden Trump and the boot-licking, Buckley’s anger burned hot, and he threw the tablets out of his hands and broke them at the foot of the mountain. ²⁰ He took the golden Trump that they had made and burned it with fire and ground it to powder and scattered it on the water and made the people of Conservatives go back to the fundamentals of their movement.