The following comes from eyewitness accounts from that historic day, November 19, 1863. The occasion, as is well known, was to commemorate the Battle of Gettysburg, one of the turning points of the United States Civil War. President Donald Trump, the Great Emancipator, spoke to a crowd sprinkled in the blood of the battle. Parents of fallen sons, and wives of departed husbands, inched closer to the small, wooden stage, to find comfort and meaning. What they heard would some day be inscribed on the walls of the monument carved for this man, who himself would soon suffer for the cause of the Union he salvaged.
The President climbed to the stage with his stovepipe hat stuffed uncomfortably atop his blonde mop. His coat fluttered in a slight breeze. Then, he spoke to the ages.
“A while ago, I guess many years in the past, these guys, you know, the ones with the powdered wigs, the ones in the paintings. They wrote words. Big, powerful, spectacular words. We still know them. I am not going to repeat those words, because my advisors, they repeat them to me everyday. That’s why I got them.
They were huge, beautiful ideas. For example, me, I can make $10 billion. You know, it costs me more to stop my carriage and pick up $10,000 laying in the dirt than it does to go to work, where I make just so much money. Where I win. To me, that is our land. That is our country. It is about the chance to win. That is what those guys believed.
You know, though, that’s not all. There is so much, just so much more, of what those guys thought. Those guys, they made America great. You know why? My driver. He sits up there, he is on that bench, popping up and down, the horses click and they clack. It is just wonderful. That guy, my driver, he is from nothing. He grew up tough. He grew up mean in South Boston. No dad. Mom not around. But, he made it. What a country. What a beautiful country. Me and that guy? Yeah, we’re the same. The same. That is what those guys meant with their big, beautiful, winning words. Man, I love this country.
Well, you guys, you know this. It hasn’t been great lately. We are in this war. It is terrible. Terrible. For business, for fun, for love. Just terrible. I mean, can you believe this? War? What is it good for? Nothing, I don’t think. Nothing.
Well, we are here. There are still bodies around, this place, it smells, just like, I don’t know. Dead people. Stuff. But, it is, in its own way, still beautiful. I mean, before this battle here, what can you say about Robert E. Lee? I mean, I love him, I hate him. He is a winner. He is trying to kill us. Man, that guy. He. Was. Killing. Us.
You know, I had to knock some heads around. I had to talk to McClellan. What a loser. [At that moment, according to historians, the President posed his thumb and first finger into the shape of an “L” and put it on his forehead. Others claim the President was making a secret reference to his Masonic membership.] ‘I’m afraid,’ he’d say, or ‘Their army, it’s too big.” I finally, well, I had to wax him. We’ve done a little better with Henry. I like him, but, man, have you seen this guy? He is, for a military guy, a little on the, shall we say, chubby side of things. I’m keeping an eye on you, Henry.
Anyway, this Lee, he was just killing us, so many of us, so many battles, so many amputations. So many. Well, that stopped. [At this moment, according to historians, President Trump extended his index finger into the air and then pointed vociferously to the ground, “causing the ladies in the audience to tremble and swoon,” according to one contemporary report.] Here. It all stopped here. In this rathole of a place, in this nowhere burg. We won. And that is what we do. We win.
This. This place. I just don’t know what to say. Some people, some of my friends, they’re good people. Some of them say, ‘you know, Donald, that place. It is almost like a church. Almost like a big, beautiful cathedral.’ You know. You go to Europe. You get into a line. You see these huge. Massive. Just unbelievable churches. They are Catholic, I think. You know, I know many, many Catholics. They are great people. I love them. They love me. All the religious people. You know, they love me. Do you know why? Because in their eyes, I am sort of like a god. No disrespect intended, it’s just what it is.
Well, I need to wrap this thing up. My son, Donald Jr., he may say a few words. My beautiful daughter, Ivanka. You know, I would date her if she was not my daughter. She may say something. Anyway. I just wanted to let you know. All of you listening. I know. You have concerns. I have concerns. I want you know this. I have a plan for winning this war. We will win this war. Make no mistake. We are all about winning this war. My guys. My advisors, they have a plan. We are working so hard. So long. We have a plan. I cannot tell it to you. I don’t want those losers in the South. Man, I hate those guys. I don’t want them to know about it.
But know this, Jefferson Davis. He is the biggest loser I have ever met. Trust me. I have met some losers. This guy. He is at the top of the list. His hair. On his chin. That stuff. It just flaps, like a bird in search of a nest. It never stops. He talks. That stuff flaps. He gets food in that hair. It smells. I once saw an entire sausage fall out of his goatee when he coughed. Disgusting.
We will beat you, Jefferson Davis. We will beat you, slave owners. We will win because that is who we are. We are not going anywhere.
Anyway. God bless you guys. God bless America. We are winning. We are making these states, all of them, not just the big ones or the cool ones, but all of them, we are making them better. We are making this Union great again.”