The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

TAX FORM 1040 (2019)

1. State your income in Roman numerals ____________________
2. Convert income to base 8 before proceeding (consult appendix 23 for conversion tables).
3. There is no appendix 23. Please consult your local mathematician for help.
4. If income is above $500,000, you are too rich. Go to directly to jail and start over. Else, proceed to step ‘X.’
5. We forgot to fill in the ‘X’ above; meant to say step 5, but now it’s step 6.
6. Leave this part blank. _____________________________
7. If you are blind, please check here ( _ ) Proceed to step 30.
8. Address ___________________________________
9. OK, now your real address ______________________________
10. Your name goes here ____________________ not here: _________________
    • Last name ________
    • First name __________
    • First name last, last name first _____________________
    • First name first, last first, last middle end of next week, name does not apply _____________________
    • Your name as it appears on your Instagram profile ____________
11. Mother’s maiden name: _____________________
12. Father’s maiden name: ___________________________
13. Two witnesses who can put you at a spot away from the scene of the crime ____________________ _____________________
14. Date of birth divided by weight ______________________
15. Favorite baseball team: _____________________ If Yankees, skip to step 24.
16. Use line 8 from your 450-V for the next three steps:
    • Find the natural log of 0
    • Multiply this number by line 8 from your 450-V.
    • Record number here: _________________________
    • You’re lying; the natural log of 0 is undefined, and there is no 450-V. If you did get a number, please tell NASA. You have broken math.
17. Exemptions:
    • Claiming personal exemption………………………………….. 1
    • Charitable giving is over $12,000…………………………….. 2
    • Once helped a homeless man…………………………………… 3
    • Drive a Prius………………………………………………………………. 4
    • Running for public office………………………………………….. 5
    • Liked the Last Jedi……………………………………………………… -10
    • Currently in the fourth layer of Inception……………….. ???
    • This is a zero………………………………………………………………. 0
18. Find the next prime number ________________________________
19. What was the name of David Copperfield’s stepfather? _______________
20. Sign and date beside this line _____________________________________
21. Disregard line 6.
22. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A
23. You come to a fork in the road.
    • Go left (proceed to step 31)
    • Go right (proceed to step 36)
    • Stay put (Eaten by lion, please return to step 1)
24. You are terrible person. 10% surcharge for poor taste.
25. SSN here ______________ Find its primitive roots ____________________
26. Some where in western China, there is a single, surviving member of an ancient group of monks who goes by the name of Wang Fei. Find him and get his signature on this line _____________________________
27. Please list your investments in any order, so long as they are alphabetized
28. Fill in Line 6
29. How will you be filing?
    • Single ( _ )
    • Married, but singly ( _ )
    • Married bachelor ( _ )
    • Married but singularly unhappy ( _ )
    • Jointly, but distinct with reservations as to IRS Code 347.81 ( _ )
    • Joint-force operation ( _ )
    • Single jointly while claiming qualified immunity ( _ )
    • The singularity ( _ )
    • Small, medium, large, supersize-me ( _ )
    • Head of household ( _ )
    • Mutinous serf ( _ )
    • A wife, two kids, and a dog ( _ )
30. You are Daredevil. Please report to S.H.I.E.L.D.
31. Congratulations, you qualify for the Alternative Minimum Tax! Please leave an arm or a leg by the curb, and your local IRS enforcement officer will collect it at his earliest convenience (additional handling rates may apply).
32. What house claims you?
    
    • Slytherin ( _ )
    • Hufflepuff ( _ )
    • Gryffindor ( _ )
    • Ravenclaw ( _ )
33. Yes ( _ ) No ( _ )
34. The Joint Commissioner wishes to see you. Please schedule a time on this line __________________________
    • The time you requested is not available. Please call the number found under the third bolt of your spare tire.
35. Thank you for volunteering, a representative will be with you shortly.
36. Landed on Boardwalk. Pay Rent.
37. You missed line 21. Please go back and check it.
38. Are you enjoying yourself?
    • ( _ ) Yes ( _ ) No ( _ ) Maybe ( _ )
    • You ARE enjoying yourself…
39. This next part is tricky
40. Tricky
41. Hah, made you look. There’s nothing needed on Line 21.
42. What is the meaning of life? ______________
43. Did you watch the Royal Wedding? Yes ( _ ) No ( _ )
44. Why? ________________________________________
45. Measure the length of all the lines on this document ______________
    • Not the one above, though, just the others
    • Undo the last eight steps
46. Why did you fill in Line 6? I said to leave it blank.
    • Choose a letter between A and J ______
    • Now a number between 1 and 10 ______
    • You’ve sunken the enemy battleship.
47. Race
    • 1st ________________
    • 2nd _______________
    • 3rd _______________
48. Keep this line for your records ____________________
49. Please sign on this line __________________
50. And this one _____________________
51. And that one ____________________________
52. And here ____________________
53. One more _____________________________
54. I lied, this one too _________________________
55. Rearrange lines 50-53 into a jaunty, sea shanty
56. That song stunk. Hang your head in shame for the remainder of this form.
57. Have you seen this man? 🧛‍♂️
58. Add lines 8 and 9 together _______________________
59. Gross Net Income ______________________
    • After wife’s spending _____________________
    • Multiply by gravitational constant __________________
    • Would you like to donate to the children’s hospital?
      • Yes ( _ )
      • No ( _ )
        • So you’re saying you hate kids? Yes ( _ )
        • Why do you hate kids? _______________________
        • You probably hate old ladies too, don’t you? Yes ( _ )
    • Pick a number and raise your income to it
    • Take the square root and then square that number.
    • Subtract everything and divide by 0
    • Your return is ______________________________
60. You have completed part 1 of 20. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery of parts 2.0 – 2.3.
61. For IRS use only: