The Bullington Diatribe Chronicles will run occasionally for the amusement of some, the facepalming of many others, and the inconvenience of all. The following is satire….obviously.

The Mueller report has continued to drop and bounce around for the past couple of weeks, much like one of those super bouncy-balls mom and dad used to get for me right before I smashed every valuable item of fragility in the house with it…so the parallels are fairly apt. Republicans have made it very clear that the report clearly clears the President in a clear fashion so clearly that clearly no clearly sane person could clearly see it any other way. Democrats, in a striking rebuttal, have been equally clear that the clear findings clearly laid out in the clearest sense of the clear word ‘clear’ do not in fact clear the President, so of course we clearly know what the clear results are…namely that no one has a clue what’s going on. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi offered her remarks on Thursday during an impassioned speech to her reflection in the Lincoln Memorial Pool, stating:

“Trump’s not in my head over this. Why would he be? That’s crazy talk. What says we, Nancy?”

“Nancy hates the filthy, stinking Hobbitses. They stoles it from us. They stoles the Precious Election. We wants the Precious, and we will gets it. We’s must…we’s must.”

“No, no, Nancy wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Shut up! We knows what we’s must do. We’s must impeach, impeach, impeach! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Mueller! Mueller!”

Attorney General William Barr tried to clear some of the confusion surrounding the Mueller report by, you know, actually releasing the Mueller report, but Democrats have since remained unconvinced. Chairman of House Judiciary Committee Jerry Nadler made his pitch for Mr. Tinfoil 2019 during a blistering rebuke of Mr. Barr for doing exactly what Democrats had been asking for in recent months by releasing the actual Mueller report. When informed that Mr. Barr had complied as far as federal law would permit him to do so, Mr. Nadler replied, “Oh that tricksy devil Barr; what will he think of next?” Mr. Nadler then proceeded to spend the rest of the testimony flicking paper football triangles at Mr. Barr in the hopes of landing one just between the eyes. Mr. Nadler was unsuccessful but did manage to annoy several interns sitting in front of him and prove himself to be a mendacious sack of sanctimony.

Finally, God received a stern rebuking from U.S. Representative Steve Cohen of Tennessee last week as he sought to clearly define God’s allotted sandbox, stating, “I think God belongs in religious institutions, in temple, in church, in cathedral, in mosque, but not in Congress.” After a booming, earth-rumbling chuckle from the heavenly realms, a divine representative delivered the following letter to Mr. Cohen:

“The Divine Sovereign, Ruler of all Creation, and Chief Claimant on your Sad, Sorry Hindquarters would like to extend His sincerest apologies for intruding on the Congressman’s space and offer a full-throated explanation for His actions. It had been the operational assumption of the Potentate of Time that His dominion was an everlasting and eternally stretching one, knowing neither breadth nor width nor depth of temporal space and time. We have conducted an extensive internal review of the Divine territory and have discovered that the U.S. Capitol, First St. SE, Washington D.C. 20004 is in fact not under the holy delineation, having fallen from grace some considerable time ago. A review of the literature surrounding this misnomer suggests that the present reality should have been manifestly apparent to us, noting the frequency with which inhabitants of the United States have described the location in question as ‘godless.’ We see now that this description is wholly fitting and appropriate.

At present, we are working diligently to determine the original cause of this grievous error, which we suspect is due to a combination of historical realities and former facades of respect. We are also extending our review to several other seats of statewide power, most notably those of New York, California, and Virginia, which we believe we have good reason to suspect as also being outside the heavenly bounds of charity, faith, and good order. If you wish to submit other areas for territorial review, please send your suggestions to the Office of Celestial Claims and Appropriations, Millennium Drive, Holy Mount Zion 144000. To lodge a complaint with Justice Incarnate, please consult the book of Job. Thank you for your time and do enjoy the sunshine and oxygen being supplied to you by the Almighty’s good graces.”